On Getting Unstuck
Sometimes when you're feeling stuck and the easy adjustments aren't working, you have to take a chance on a bigger life change.
Hello again. It’s been a while. A really loooooong while.
In the months that I have not been posting here, I have been coming to terms with some pesky issues about what the hell I’m doing with my life. I felt like I’d gotten too comfortable achieving too little. I had many good things in my life—home, job, friends, family, pets—but I was not satisfied with what I was putting out into the world. The problem really came down to writing. I had reached a point where I wasn’t doing enough of the kind of writing I’ve always wanted to do, and when I say I wasn’t doing enough, I mean I was barely doing any.
Writing was part of my job at the American Horticultural Society, where I worked on their membership magazine, American Gardener, and that involved writing some book reviews and news stories and occasionally a feature article. But the other part of the job was editing. I enjoyed both aspects of the job, but I don’t think I’m the first person to find that keeping your writer brain and your editor brain equally engaged is tricky. For me it became a little like an S&M relationship—the editor part of me was the dom and more and more the writer part became the submissive. That mindset spilled over into the part of my writing life that had nothing to do with my job. It was frustrating and unproductive. I started to feel that I was experiencing something I’d never known before—writer’s block. I was stuck.
Eventually, I decided that if I wanted to get unstuck, I would have to make a major change. I gave notice a few months back that I would leave my job with the AHS—a job I really liked and arguably the best job of my career. But it felt necessary and by early April, I wrapped up my commitment there. I will still take on occasional freelance jobs, including, I hope, writing for American Gardener. Leaving the job, however, freed up a considerable amount of time, and more importantly, got me away from the hamster wheel of deadlines that comes with magazine publishing.
I wish I could say that that was all it took to get the words flowing again. It was not. I’m still struggling to find a writing routine that works for me. But I think I will find it, and getting back to this Substack is part of that effort.
I feel like an absurd amount of hours in these first few weeks of unemployment, semi-retirement, or whatever I end up calling this phase of my life have been spent doing personal admin-type tasks—things like finishing my income taxes, getting a pergola installed, and more recently shopping for a new refrigerator since my current one appears to be on life support. Still, there has been progress in the two areas of my life that matter most to me—gardening and writing.
What I’m Doing in the Garden
Having gotten new side fencing installed at the end of last year and getting the back fence repaired last month, I feel like I can finally move forward with reworking the planting in my backyard. I’ve been balancing weeding (oh so many weeds!) with sowing seeds and planting, but I’ve got some momentum going now and progress is starting to show. There’s still a fair amount of hardscape/decor issues to deal with, including painting a stucco wall and painting some of my garden furniture. But the vision I’ve had in my head for so long is starting to take shape in reality. And remember that memory garden I was planning? It’s finally about to get planted!
What I’m Writing
Aside from this Substack, I’ve been dipping my toe back into the novel that I’ve had in the works for way longer than I care to think about. I am roughly halfway through it and I’m determined to finish it so I can move on to other projects. I also have made notes for a garden-related book I want to pitch and a magazine article. Baby steps, baby steps.
What I’m Reading
I don’t usually do this, but I’m currently in the middle of reading four books. I go back and forth from one to another, depending on my mood and depending on whether I’m up for reading hard copy or listening to audio. Here’s what’s on the menu:
The Dry by Jane Harper (Amazon.com, Bookshop.org, Libro.fm)
I came to this book after reading Force of Nature, which is the second book in the series. The Dry is the first book and I’m finding it as gripping as the second book was. Set in the Australian countryside in the midst of a terrible drought, it delves into detective Aaron Falk’s personal history and connections to a family that has recently been decimated by what appeared to be a murder-suicide, but may have more to do with a teen’s death years ago. I’m listening to the audio version and the narrator is excellent.
What We Can Know by Ian McEwan (Amazon.com, Bookshop.org)
This novel has a really different premise—a scholar in the year 2119 delving into the story of a significant dinner party of literary luminaries that supposedly took place in the year 2014, at which a poem by a major poet was debuted, only to have since been lost to the ages. It’s an interesting take on how literature survives (or doesn’t) the passage of time and what it ends up saying about us—then and later. I started out listening to the audio version of this, but now I’m going back and forth between audio and hard copy.
The Ending Writes Itself by Evelyn Clarke (Amazon.com, Bookshop.org, Libro.fm)
Six authors are invited to a remote island in Scotland to (hopefully) write the last chapter of the unfinished novel left behind by a recently deceased but massively successful mystery author. The payoff will be huge for whichever author is able to finish the story, but it appears there will be a few dead bodies along the way in this locked-room mystery. I’m listening to the audio version of this.
Between Farm and Fork by Dr. Janel Louise Ohletz (Amazon.com, Bookshop.org)
The marketing copy for this memoir states: “This is a book for those in midlife and beyond who are reevaluating their direction and asking, ‘What now?’" Ummm, sure, I think I can relate. Ohletz, an expert in soil science and regenerative agriculture and a chef, tells the story of how she navigated a divorce, financial hardship, and a health crisis to rebuild her life. I don’t want to say a lot about this book because I plan on doing a full review in an upcoming post. I’m reading this in hard copy but an audio version is available.
I think that brings you up to date. But I’d be interested to hear if anyone has had their own experience with trying to break through a life rut by making big changes in their lives. What do you do when you feel stuck, especially when you feel blocked creatively? I’m open to suggestions!
Having been both an editor and a writer over many years, I agree with you that they are not always compatible. The editor is a bossy gal who sometimes interferes with creativity. It is more comfortable and often more productive to focus on one side of your brain or the other. Good luck with your new phase!
Claire, I'm an editor, too, and can relate to this. I hope you are able to find the time and inspiration to do the writing you want to do.
I've found that taking online classes keeps my creative fires going, mostly because deadlines take precedence over anything else, and I can watch the class recordings at my convenience. A writing workshop online might be helpful. I attended one a few years back and it was the jump start I needed.
Great to see you post again!